I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
