What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
