I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
