If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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