OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
