it hurts more in the daytime
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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