I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Are we still banned from the library?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
is it fun? or sober?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
