if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
