The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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