fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
