My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You smell like a Billy Joel song
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
