Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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