do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
