fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
