I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
