You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
