...so i touched it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
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