Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
