If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
