so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
