I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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