i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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