Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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