Princesses don't give blow jobs
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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