remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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