I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
