call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
