this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
