I accidentally had phone sex last night
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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