things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Congratulations! We have a period
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
