dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
