Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
