I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
