I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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