it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
