Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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