3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think i got beer on your cat.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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