loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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