i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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