Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
