haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
