My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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