The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
