How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
