She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
