oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
