put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
