You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
