She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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