I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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