I think I won the penis lottery.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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